We're Dying In America
by Markys gurl
Summary: Marky n Rog are havin a hard time with life-Roger's dying and Mark is alone. NO,they aren't gay lol, it's just "brotherly luv", please tell me if u want me 2 continue wit the story. PLEASE R N R IT MAKES MY DAY!!!
1. Why am I the Witness?

Hi *Waves* yes I am back with another one of my RENT-Fics..  
  
Disclaimer: No- I do not own RENT...I wish I did, it is owned by the great- late-daughter of Mother Earth- oh wait wrong one...our late-great Jonathan Larson.  
  
Marks Pov:  
  
"Christmas Bells are ringing- Christmas Bells are ringing - Christmas Bells are ringing..." the strawberry-blond filmmaker heard over and over again in his mind, he couldn't believe that it was only a year ago- that they were all together. "Now- now things have changed" Mark thought, "...Angel is dead- well he...she had been dead for longer than a year now- she's the one who always brought us back together when we were in our fights. Why did we always have to fight? Couldn't we just enjoy life and friendship while we still had it in our control? It's so weird; you don't notice all the things you have until they're gone."  
  
"Maureen and Joanne moved to LA- Maureen thought if they went there she might have better chances of getting noticed. Well, she was right. She did her first protest and boom! She got noticed all right! Now she one of the talk show hosts for "Gossip Live". Perfect for her right? Joanne is still her lover, still doing her stuff. They are talking about getting married; I wonder how long that'll last hehe. We hear from them every weekend. I've never missed her so much in my life." "Collins, our dear Collins, we thought he was getting better, we thought he moved on. Well- not moved on, but just went on with his life- not forgetting the past, but worshiping life with his life experiences...it's hard to explain. But, well, we were all wrong. He must have been so unhappy- why didn't we notice it coming, why? We could have saved him from that night- when he, he stabbed himself."  
  
"Oh God, I remember walking into his loft that day- that was the scariest thing that I've ever had to deal with. I went because he wasn't answering our phone calls for over a month- none...we all tried to visit- we went inside- all we saw were notes saying that he was out. I guess he wanted us to not worry about him. Well, we didn't- we always believed him- I guess because we thought that he was the only sane one out of the rest of us...the only one who actually knew what he was doing. I remember walking into his room- it was the same as always, clean with his pj's underneath is pillow. The only thing that made me take a double-take was- that, that smell. It was a smell I never wanted to smell again- it reminded me of April- April's death. I was so scared, I immediately thought to call Collins- I think I actually did call him- that's when I heard his cell- phone ring- that was my reality call- that he- he was dead. I looked under the bed, oh God- I can't do it- I can't think about this!"  
  
Mark buries his head in the nearest pillow. He hated thinking about this- but he always found himself doing it when he was alone...even when he was with people. He went to get a cold glass of water. Mark took his favorite glass, well one of his favorites, one was from Maureen and the other was from Mimi- he picked up both of them. The one from Maureen had all memories from her protests written in her best script hand writing in all different colors of paint. He got it at one of her parties as a thank you gift for all his help. The one from Mimi had a picture of all of them pasted on it. She didn't have enough money to get it done by a professional so she just took one of her mugs that didn't have a crack in it and pasted her favorite picture on it. She gave it to him for his birthday, February 1st. He chose that one.  
  
"Mimi was also gone; she died only 3 months after that last Christmas when Maureen and Joanne found her in the park.  
  
That was the happiest I've ever seen Roger- when he was with her. He was always smiling- she made everything about life good. When she died Roger just went back to how he was, all depressed. Plus, he started drugs again- I caught him with them the first few times and I thought he was actually stopping it- but he just got better at sneaking them into his room. God- I am so pissed at myself, I could have saved him! And now- now he is so sick- GOD DAMN'T oh fuck, why? Why does this happen to me? Why am I the fucking witness?"  
  
A/N: Like it so far?...Well- keep reading and see if you like it, believe me I'm getting somewhere with this! 


	2. Am I just a waste of time?

A/N: Ok chappy #2, enjoy!  
  
Roger's Pov:  
  
"Jesus, so much has happened in the last year," Roger thought, "Why? Why can't it just happen slowly- or why not just not happen at all? Damn't!!!!!! I always just find myself sitting here- drooping over things that are in the past- why can't I just get over them, no day but today."  
  
"Oh God, I miss Mimi so much. I really thought things were getting better, (with the exception of Angel's death), everyone seemed to be moving on with their lives. Especially me, I started to except that April was dead and that she wasn't coming back, I started to care about others before myself, I didn't ponder about me and my messed up life. Immediately after Mimi got better Maureen and Joanne moved, which was fine with me...I couldn't stand them- well not them just...Maureen. She just drove me out of my mind! But- she will always be my family, so I guess I'll just have to deal with her- just like you have to deal with a baby sister."  
  
"But then it happened, about one month after Mimi got better, things just started to go down hill- it was Collins. I remember Mark calling me. God I was so scared for that phone call. I told myself it was all a lie- I told myself that Collins would never do that, that it had to be just a big lie. But- I was wrong."  
  
"I felt so guilty- even though I knew it wasn't my fault- I knew I should have been more of a friend to him. He was always there for me, every freaking time I needed help, no matter what crap he was involved in- he would come rushing over to me. What the hell was I thinking all this time? I mean- was I just like a master to him, was he like my slave? I never figured out the meaning of a "true-friend" all this time- until, until the real "true friend" was gone."  
  
"About two months later, Mimi- she- she- she got sick. Oh God, sicker than I've ever seen her. It wasn't fair, after Collins was gone- I made sure I treated her every day- nursed her every need; I made sure she wouldn't leave me. But then of course she just decides to get sick and die on me! What the hell Mimi? Why did you do that to me?"  
  
"I haven't cried so much in my entire life compared to this year. I don't understand why this happens to me, why when I get happy does shit like this come between me and my life? It is so fucking unfair! I mean, what the hell should I do, there is nobody here- nobody! FUCK!!!!!! I'm just alone, in my bed- thinking about my life that lies before me, not knowing what the fuck to do about anything- and yet this seems familiar...why should this- no person should be doing this. It is just a huge waist of time- it gets you nowhere. Am I just a waste of time?" 


	3. I can't do this again

Ok, here is chappy 3...oh and by the way it is really hard to write Roger...so please don't flame! Ok, enjoy!!!!  
  
Marks Pov:  
  
"Roger just kept getting worse and worse...oh God- how couldn't I notice it- I could have saved him! Why? SHIT - God couldn't you give me a warning?!? Why does it have to be my fault again- just like Collins, I couldn't have noticed that he was getting worse, but I only notice it when he's sick- or-or even dead!"  
  
"Roger doesn't even speak to me now. He is so messed up with returning bad memories of April- and now Mimi; he won't even try to understand that I'm trying to help him. I hate my life! Nobody cares about me, about what I think. The only reason people come to see me is so I can give them advice and make their lives better. I need someone to do that for me! They- they jus think that my life is perfect- that I would never need counseling- well they, they're all wrong!"  
  
"I need to talk to him- I need him to talk to me. Roger please- pl-please forgive me for everything. Oh God, I love you! OK DO YOU HEAR ME?!? I love you!" "Oh God- last week, last week was bad. God- I can't believe it finally happened. I knew- I knew it was eventually going to happen- but yet it seemed so unreal. God, I remember seeing Roger just laying on the couch- he looked worse than Mimi did that Christmas Eve! His whole body was shaking- and he was so pale, oh God, so pale, his eyes, they were bloodshot, he said that he couldn't feel his feet, his arms, chest- his whole body was numb. I needed help...but nobody- nobody was here- Maureen, Joanne? They were in LA- Coll- Collins was dead. There was no one! I just needed one more person- just one more! So, I went upstairs- to Mimi's old apartment...I knew someone new just moved in. I knew was young- around 21- Vicky, Vicky was- is her name. I just knocked on her door- I don't know why I went to her, I just did. She took one glance at my face and knew something had happened to Roger."  
  
"She knew about Roger because she had met him at our neighbor, Sissy's, Easter Party. She saw him take an AZT- so she knew. She said she went to one year of nursing school and dropped out- she decided she wanted to be a painter. Now, I don't know how you could find that you want to be a painter from nursing school- but somehow, she did."  
  
"She ran by my side down the stairs, into the main hallway, around the corner, and into our apartment. She was so concerned! I've never seen her so worried- ever! And, somehow she had this connection to Roger; it was amazing- I don't know how she had it, I mean- they weren't dating or anything. It just seemed like she knew him for such a long time- like as long as be, but truthfully she had just met him about two weeks before this had happened."  
  
"We just wrapped him up in about 10 blankets, and carried him. How did I not notice how thin he was getting? I mean- I did, but he always said that he just had been working out. How'd he hide being so damn sick? I don't get it. I could have helped him. Does he want to die?"  
  
"We brought him in her car to the hospital, thank God she has a car...I don't know how I would have gotten him there in time if she didn't. It took about 20 min. to get there, he was getting sicker by the minute! I hated seeing him like this- it was worse than seeing him suffer through a withdrawal- even thought that was horrible too."  
  
"They took him right away- they knew he was dying! Jeez, he looked terrible. So sick- oh just so sick. I just wanted to hug him tight and tell him that it'll be all right. But- they wouldn't let me stay in the room. They told me they were going to try their best and I could see him later. His face- his face was so scared as they took him away. It was like a little boy being taken away from his home. I think he even reached out for me. I held back the tears as long as I could- it was so hard. But after they just took him away, they just fled down my face...after that it was like a river- I couldn't control it. Vicky was crying too- we just held each other. It was so painful to see him like that- and that could have been my last time seeing him."  
  
"I can't do this again!" 


	4. Just let me die

A/N: Ok- chappy 4- enjoy, and if you don't like it, would you mind giving constructive criticism. Not that anyone has flamed lol- well, no one has given a review at the moment (which is 6-23-03)  
  
Roger's Pov:  
  
"I guess after Mimi died- it, it was so hard to go on with my life. I just wanted to lie down and die. I thought a lot about killing myself, I don't know what held me back- I guess I was just to scared to- I don't know. I mean, I did try to- but I just couldn't go through with it. But now it doesn't make a difference- I'm going to die anyway."  
  
"Yes- I started drugs again. I think it was after Mimi's funeral- God it had been a horrible day. Her parents- they- they didn't even know she had AIDS...how could she not tell them? She told me that she would- that she would soon. And then I just thought she did, I guess because she always did get things done. But she didn't- and when Mark told them why she died, you could just see the pain in their faces. I never want to see that again, oh God- I loved her so much! She was everything I needed. I knew this day was coming- I swear I knew, but when it happened it was like I was in shock- I'm still in shock. I want to wake up to her smiling in her sleep every morning. I wanted to watch her get changed into her clothing, watch her put her make-up on; oh I loved her so much. I hope she knew that- that I loved her. I only remember telling it to her once- when, when she almost died. Is that the only time I could tell her that I loved her- when she is about to die? God I am such a bastard! But when I came home from the funeral- I just wanted to kill myself- but before I could reach for the knife, I saw this brown paper bag. I knew what it was- Mimi's stash! I don't know what I was thinking- I just took it- it felt so good to be doing this again- and yet, it was the worst feeling. I don't know why Mimi had it- she had given up on drugs- and I- I know she would never have let me get back into that stuff- so she wouldn't have left it there for me to find it."  
  
"I was so good at hiding my sickness from Mark. But that's when I got really sick- Mark found me on the steps of our apartment. I was shivering and sweating at the same time. I was delirious- I know I scared the hell out of Mark. I feel so bad- he always came to save me when I was in trouble- I never did anything for him, never! I don't know how he could deal with me- I was so much trouble...got him into trouble. But he would always get me out of trouble- he would save me from myself. And I never thanked him- I never told him I love him."  
  
"After that he found all my drugs that I had hid from him- for about, about a two months. He made sure I stayed clean- I went through half of a withdrawal- but then, then I just couldn't take it anymore...I had to do it again- just for old times sake- I am such an idiot. Plus my AIDS sickness got worse- I was so sick. Mark just came home that night, all he had to do was take one look at me and know I was going to die. He just ran out of the loft- I guess to get help, but at the time I thought he was just finally running away from all his problems- but that's not like Mark- not at all. He came back, about two minutes later with Vicky, our neighbor from upstairs- from Mimi's apartment. I had met her at a party...she seemed so comfortable with the fact that I had AIDS. Then I was still messed up from Mimi- from everything that I just didn't care about the fact that I had AIDS- I didn't care that everyone knew. But she was so normal about it- it was odd, really strange."  
  
"They wrapped me up in like 10 blankets- oh I was so cold- so cold, but I had a fever of about 104. I could just see the pain in their faces- especially Mark. He wasn't prepared for this, for me to die- I just wanted to assure him that everything would be all right, but I couldn't move- I just had to stay there and die.  
  
"Oh God, I was so scared when the doctors took me away- I just wanted to stay there with Mark holding me tightly- I needed him, that's it- all I needed was my Mark- but they took me away- first Mimi, now me away from him."  
  
"I actually lived through the night. I really thought I was going to die, I really did- but it doesn't matter- even though I am in a better condition, I'm still dying. Ha- well at one point my fever actually went down to 99. It felt good not to have a fever- but then it just shot right back up- to 105. I am so sick- I don't want to do this any more...can someone just pull the plug already? Just let me die!" 


	5. One Last Goodbye

A/N ok back with chappy 5! Enjoy-  
  
At the loft: Mark lies in his bed, in the dark, thinking about what he should do about this disaster, what he should do with the rest of his life. He knew this day was coming for a while now- he tried to prepare for it- but really, there wasn't a way to prepare for it. He had known Roger since high school- he couldn't lose him now- he just couldn't. "Oh God, I have to go see him," the lonely filmmaker thought as he started to get up from his bed and pack his stuff. It was around 12 pm- Mark didn't think the hospital was going to let him visit him- but he knew he had to say one more goodbye.  
  
At the hospital: Roger lies as he always does in his hospital bed. He was so uncomfortable there- it reminded him of death, "Well it reminds everyone of death," he supposed. But he was always surrounded by it, it seemed, well at least in the last 3 years. He wanted to see Mark again- just to say goodbye. Even thought he was just there checking on him this afternoon, they didn't say goodbye, and Roger had a feeling tonight was his last, he was hoping his feeling was erroneous, but he didn't think it was going to be. It was so hard to stay awake- but he thought if he went to sleep, he might not wake up again. He was so cold- oh God so cold, his fever was the same as always 104-105, not good, he was shivering and sweating, and so pale. But- he had surprised the doctors for staying alive this long- they thought he was going to die that first night when he came in- but he managed to stay alive for two more weeks after that! But now, it was his time to go- as much as they wanted him to stay alive, they didn't want to see his suffering any more, Roger knew that too."  
  
Suddenly, a distressed Mark came running through Roger's hospital room door. Mark's face lightened up when he saw Roger, as did Roger's when he saw Mark- but Mark's expression went right back to worry.  
  
Mark: Roger- I'm so sorry, I need to tell you something.  
  
Roger: Me too Mark- let me go first.  
  
Mark: Ok...  
  
Roger: Look- Mark, I'm going to die tonight- DON'T, tell me I'm not, because I'm the person who is dying, and I thought I would know if I was. But look, you- you've been here for me so long, all my life practically- and I've  
  
(Roger just looks down)  
  
Mark sees how much pain is going through his whole body just to say this  
  
Mark: I know Roger- I know.  
  
Roger: NO- Mark, I want to say this, let me say it! I've never been there for you. I just want to say that- that I am so sorry, oh God Mark please forgive me. I- I, I love you!  
  
(Roger tries to cover his face from Mark, so Mark can't see him getting upset- but he doesn't have enough energy to lift his arms- he hardly had enough energy to say that)  
  
Mark: Oh God Roger- I know Rog, I know, I just wanted to say that- I love, I love you. I always have. Oh God Roger- don't leave me now!  
  
(Mark's knees give out and he falls to the floor, his arms are covering his eyes and his elbows are leaning on the bed...Roger manages to make out these few words)  
  
Roger: I have always loved you Mark- I always will.  
  
(He tries to pick up his hand- but he can't, Mark sees this)  
  
Mark takes his hand and just rubs it- trying to get as much heat into Rogers body as possible. Mark just holds Roger as he softly slowly falls asleep  
  
Mark: (Whispers) Goodbye...  
  
Eventually Mark himself dozes off. It's not until Mark hears that loud *beep* that he remembers that he is in the hospital with Roger- and Roger is - is dead.  
  
Mark takes one look at him  
  
Mark: Oh God this can't be happening, no Roger wake up wake up! Don't leave me- no, don't leave me- (getting softer) nooo.  
  
He just collapses on the ground and starts to sob- uncontrollably. The nurses come in and try to calm him. Mark doesn't want anyone near him- he just wants to wake up, have this be a nightmare- like all the other nightmares he's had about this, but this time it wasn't- no matter what he did, nothing was going to bring Rog back. He just had to go- go where? He didn't know- there wasn't anything waiting for him at home- nothing. He couldn't do this- he couldn't live his life in New York. He had to go- go away, someplace far, far away where he could forget everything and start a new life.  
  
"Oh God- what am I doing?"  
  
A/N: Yes- this is my last chappy *tear* - well for the moment- I want you guys to decide if I should continue. well, I hope you liked it...oh and please, please, please REVIEW!!!! Even if you don't like it- but like I said, please don't flame! Ok, thank you so much for reading. Much Luv to all of you - and No Day But Today!!! 


End file.
